Curlzilla.

Testing before you deploy, whether you're deploying to the cloud, or to your own bare metal, is absolutely crucial. It can mean the difference between life or death. It never does, but hypothetically, it could. Yes, we're engaging in some gratuitous hyperbole. But what did you expect? It's the Internet, in the year 2018. Look around you. You are literally surrounded by hyperbole!

Build Your Own?

There are plenty of testing solutions out there. Some of them don't suck. And you could always write your own five-line bash script to just pull the hell out of a URL, over and over again, tail the log files, run htop on the web server, then wait for it to fail, but why should you waste valuable time doing that, when we've already done that heavy lifting for you?

Automate your web testing.

The Document

Anyone familiar with web development (using the term "development" pretty loosely) knows that first, you build it. Then you test it. Then you revise it. Then you test it again. Then you release it, and hope some of it sticks to the wall. In an era of "DevOps" (industry speak for "get people to do three jobs, but only pay them for one"), testing all too often falls to the wayside. You've got to deliver the document, today, right now. Ready or not, there it goes!

Enter the Dragon.

Where by "Dragon", we mean Curlzilla, our adorable mascot. Look at him curling those weights! He's got totally buff little T-Rex arms! Such adorbs!

The Importance of Being Earnest.

We at Curlzilla earnestly believe you need to test your stuff before you ship it. That's why we have built a proprietary web architecture automated testing engine with all the features you want, and a couple beefy biceps worth of features you didn't even know existed, much less that you needed them. But, you need them. And if you give them a try, you'll realize what you've been missing all along.

You're smart.

No flashy CSS-compliant Bootstrapped website is going to trick you into purchasing a service you don't actually need. You know best what you need, and what you need is Curlzilla. Streamline your business. Lay off that pesky testing staff. Testing doesn't ship, and shipping pays the bills. Let us do your testing for you. What could possibly go wrong?

You're tech-savvy.

And you have some serious business acumen. You know, as well as anyone in the Internet industry, that Everything As A Service is the best way to reduce your overhead, short of just subcontracting out everything to Russia or India. That's why Curlzilla is right up your alley.

Don't let Quality Assurance ruin your days with their non-stop negativity. Always with the "this doesn't work, that doesn't work, this should be fixed, that should be fixed." Enough already! You need to ship your product to the world, so you can start raking in the profit!

You smell good.

Seriously. We're not just coming on to you to make you think we like you so you'll buy our service. But you should buy our service. Because you need it. And because we need you.

At Curlzilla, customers drive our business. Without them, we couldn't afford to add another line of tightly-written, flawless code to our product, and, worse still, we'd have to get rid of the Fußball table in our lofted open work space. Don't make us do that. We love fußball tables! They're the perfect place to put beers!

Did we mention that we like the way you smell?

Integrate your testing with our API.

Diagrams Add Authority.

Just look at this diagram. It looks totally legit. Rather than try to explain what it all means, because that would be insulting to an information professional like you, we'll just let you glance at it real quick and pretend that you grok it. See what we did there? We said "grok"! That's proof that the engineers at Curlzilla understand you. We speak your language.

And we wouldn't be here if we didn't understand you. We've been in your shoes before. That's the reason we built our core architecture; to help you escape some of the technological drudgery surrounding testing of web infrastructure.

And once we built it, we knew we were on to something. Particularly when we saw "mailgun" was an actual thing. I mean, seriously; an API to send mail? It's unfortunate that there isn't already a built-in service and protocol to handle the sending of mail, so it totally makes sense that someone would build just that technology, and take on the important process of delivering it to Linux systems around the globe. In 2018.

Curlzilla: Not Just Some Flash In The Pan.

One thing you can be sure of is that Curlzilla is here to stay. We invented "Curling As A Service", and we're going to change the world, by changing the way you do your testing. One client at a time. Methodically. Slowly. Because slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.

So how do we know we're here to stay? Just ask the venture capitalists who have been all too happy to inject over 700 million dollars in funding so far! If they didn't believe in us, would they have invested that kind of loot? We don't think so. And we don't think you think so, either. Don't mess with the dragon!

Do curls!

Let us do those curls for you.

Our robust, highly distributed botnet (wait, did we say "botnet"? We actually meant geographically distributed Hadoop cluster! Our bad) can run your Curlzilla reps from all over the globe, giving you up-to-the-microsecond status messages on the load we're generating for you, and all at affordable prices.

And for the record, you can also license our application and run it on your own server or servers, but isn't that kind of like just doing it yourself? How tragically un-American of you. But we won't judge. We'll still take your money.

Make AWS do the work.

We will also build an OS Stack specifically made to test your URLs using the cost advantage of having AWS run them from within their datacenters, with as many virtual instances as you think you're going to need.

After all, data centers are expensive. So is paying for testing staff. Letting Amazon and Curlzilla handle all that for you may be the most cost-efficient means of automating your testing process, so that quality assurance engineers (those snot-nosed bastards) never steal a dime of your valuable engineering budget. Everybody wins! Well, everybody except quality assurance engineers, and who cares about them, anyway?

Put your curls in a container.

We'll even build an application stack, so you can put your Curlzilla instances in Docker, then reap the rewards of having the Curlzilla instances securely separated from each other, and from everything else running on their clusters.

Containers. They're the sport of the future. The new-new black. The cat's pajamas. The dog's tactical vest. You can run, but you can't hide from buzzword compliance technologies. You can try, but you'll only die tired.